Tuesday's guest

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Wednesday 15th December 2004 (17h13) :
Notice of revocation of independence
27 comment(s).

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Poker With Dick Cheney

Transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker game with Dick Cheney,
6/19/04. Start tape at 12:32 AM.

The Editors: We'll take three cards.

Dick Cheney: Give me one.

Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged in hand.
Non-committal noises, puffing of cigars.

TE: Fifty bucks.
DC: I'm in. Show 'em.

TE: Two pair, sevens and fives.

DC: Not good enough.

TE: What do you have?

DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up.

TE: Can you show us your cards?

DC: Sure. One of them's a six.

TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played.

Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming
evidence that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this
satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more
chips. In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged
in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was
already well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card.
Why only one card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We
areabsolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house.

Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a homerun for the Administration
right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in
World War 2, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book.

TE: He's extremely good at Power Point. But we would like to see the cards, or
else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't think he would lie to us,

Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he
doesn't have anything". Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already
showed them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has
"nothing". Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing"? Is it
because the six of clubs is black?

Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts.
Developing ...

TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat 2
pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is?

DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is
important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our
entire poker game will be destroyed.

TE: We aren't sure ...

DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush.

Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his
pre-collection claims about beating two pair.

TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush.

Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick
Cheney's cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who
are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems
like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages
Republicans.

MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial
profiling in blog-linking. Developing ...

TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a
six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high.
That's nothing.

Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation,
liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing". Does ten equal zero in
liberal mathematics? That would explain a lot.

Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have
never heard of a "skip straight". It's a kind of straight, just with one
card missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight.

Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker.

TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".

Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's
September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to
claim a straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect
knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the
patterns which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored
by the CIA and the State Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning
poker hand for the post-9/11 world.

Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they
say one thing, then another. What are they hiding?

Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very
careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands
alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all
possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply
screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice
President so often do.

MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews"? Are they anti-Semites as
well as racists? Developing ...

Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I
hate liberals and Democrats.

William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand?
The pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no
longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they
clearly lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th
environment. And why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's

poker playing, which was a thousand times worse?

Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up
equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would
have seen this.

Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of
conservatives having a "straight"? Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with
the radical homosexual/Islamist agenda they hold so dear?

Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing
as a "skip straight".

DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know
for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected.

George W. Bush: Dick Cheney is telling the truth. I'm a nice man who would
drink a beer with you.

Vladimir Putin: I dealt Dick Cheney three aces and two kings.

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The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent
strain of sexually transmitted disease. This disease is contracted through
dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lecthym
(Pronounced "Gonna Re-elect Him"). Many victims have contracted it after
having been screwed by the Bush-Cheney-Rove-Ashcroft administration for the
past 4 years, and failing to have taken adequate measures to protect
themselves.

Cognitive sequellae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea lecthim include:
Antisocial personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a
messianic flavor; cognitive perseveration; inability to incorporate new
information into a rigid idée fixe; xenophobia; inability to accept
responsibility for actions; and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or
nothing thinking.

This epidemic is out of control. MMWR reports it has already resulted in
brain death in over 59,000,000 Americans. New CDC Director Archbishop Burke
has ordered a halt to research into the disease after determining the
disease is incurable and is merely God's will.

Apparently, however, at least 55,000,000 of us have natural immunity and are
poised to lead a brief, but exciting life right after the rapture begins and
our afflicted fellow Americans ascend to their eternal reward. Godlessness
has its rewards.

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Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings
from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading
security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two
blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied:

(brace yourself) (this is going to hurt) -- (really bad.) --

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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EURO ENGLISH
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

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THE LATE POPE AND ST. PETER

Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to

be here."

Pope says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"

St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming

priests."

Pope says, "He's mad about THAT?"

St. Peter says, "She's furious."

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When out of the night, which was fifty below, and into the glare n' the din;

He tilted a poke of gold right out on the bar n’ called for drinks on the house.

There was no one could place the strangers face - whence he came none could say;

But we drank to his health - course the last to drink - was Dangerous Tom DeLay.

There's men which somehow just grip your eyes and hold them hard like a spell;

And such was he and he looked to me like a man who'd dwelled long n’ hard in hell;

Then he got right to it - n' the why of his coming shone forth right crystal clear;

"There no reason for whooping - you wastrels of hope - peddling your needless fear.

You're all stuck in the past - n' Times moving fast - get past all your whey to the cream:

You Primp n' gloat - all puffy bloat - aw you're naught but a modernist Ancien Regime.

You Bray about Marx - as though that was that - n' chortle on about History's end;

Sayin' 'We've got what it takes to set the World right - cain't see no reason to bend';

With Hayek n' Friedman - Schumpeter too - you claim to have the "RIGHT" way;

Your self serving praise? - well all it can raise be dank dark visions of Tom DeLay.

The Rich still get richer as always they have - scheming plutocrats? - all doing GREAT;

The masses still pay - to their kids have to say - sorry there's none LEFT for your plate;

Your few ruling lords say: 'what assets there be - a-course there're ALL for only WE';

And the ownerless masses - wage slaves that they be - can but dream REAL Democracy.

Just look at the record you leave in your wake, Great Russia ? - it's all in tatters;

Sachs, N' Chaibas's "shock therapy"? clear reveals Kleptocracy's all that matters;

Argentina after meeting every IMF test - implodes - yet another exportable mess;

Crisis after crisis roils "your" Earth threatenin' - new now - SPECIES LETHAL distress.

The Global progress you seek - must it truly come laden with all YOUR dark surprise;

Or is that just a result of the game that YOU play - based on all YOUR Retro Surmise;

Not all the "Other" was defeated with Marx - as would seem to be your lame claim;

But Globalization's a big Tent n' the Jury's still out - on the basic rules of the game.

Must History's nightmare from Dickens to Blake seal the fate of all t' World's Folk?;

Ain't 'Leapfrogging' able T'walk on the scene - for those with no wealth in their poke?;

What's been good for the Rich might be good for the poor - income from ownership;

Automation & chips can / ought / will - undercut jobs - it's really much more than a blip.

Technology's making the progress we see & it's ownership is now of the es-see-ence;

With Capital scarce locked tight in few hands - offers none of required pres-see-ence;

That "End of History" Vision - so dear to your hearts - fails all tests as a final solution;

Growth rates will sag - as surely they have - breeding poverty n' all kinds a-pollution.

So it's back to the drawin' board for y'all who have lead this here big NeoGlobal game;

But as for now - You've egg all over your face - at best you've been nothing but lame;

You'll have to do better n' what's good for YOUR FEW - NO - that just simply won't do;

This is big league sport now - Lot's a folk in the game - mostly fed up with mostly YOU.

In Seattle it started then Quebec, Genoa etc. et al - most everywhere y'all try a-gatherin';

T' crowds gettin' larger n' stronger - you've seen - but no need cept more a-you a-blatherin';

But the tide its arisin' - and ain't it surprisin' - LOOK - it's happening on near every Horizon;

Time to Start thinking anew it screams - but you rest on your Klepto-assets & passé Surmisin'.

Chortle no more Ladies and Gents bout how Plutocracy's the best can ever be offered;

Quit celebrating your trendy Amen's - N' endless opinin' that's all can ever be proffered;

The wheels still in spin World's blowback makes clear - YOU ALL? - ya'll simply won't do;

Your Global Theory's all Ancien & t' folks can now see the problem's not THEM but YOU."

Were you ever out in the Great Alone, with the moon n' the stars all brilliant - full bright?;

So it was when the stranger paused - the air it bode - finally now - a real right serious fight;

Stunned was all could describe the crowd - they ne'er even thought such crazed crazy stuff;

So sure a' their various "truths" wuz they - they all rose up a-threatenin' - RIGHT tough.

HOPE ! Some of the Dems. among them jumped up on the bar talking' of cards yet to play;

Kerry n' Kerrey, Dashcal n' Gore n' the Clinton two - all rose to have their sacerdotal say;

But the more they spoke - well it twer a sad sick joke - all the Donkeys could do was Bray;

Twus clear -as they sang his same theory's Song - they all danced the same tune as DeLay.

Having nothing to offer - no real vision of hope - all opposition just passed right outta sight;

Ya Could hear em' say as they slunk away - "Vote for Us - we're all a-runnin' NeoCon lite;

Better take a powder than ponder things anew - You only get real headaches that a-way;

No we've all decided it's all for the best - our pandering in tune with one of our own - DeLay".

So the stranger had laid it right out on the line in that rip roaring NeoMacroEcon Saloon;

T' Moon was "Right" bright a Starry night - a lone wolf's howl echoed the cry of a loon;

They all rose as a torrent - n' rushed him as one - all eyein' his big fat might be stun gun;

But resigned - he gave up t' ghost, n' then sadly sighed - "if only some 'someone' had won".

No talk of "High Noon" - even the thought - remained in that NeoGlobal MacroEcon Saloon;

The Pres. - Lord of t' Music box - kept on a' playin' his turgidly dirge-idly WAR time tune;

A'Course still back of the Bar, in his Solo Stance, still sat anon a more dangerous Tom DeLay'

Dreamin' his Dream of Elysian Fields of ever fewer Klepto-Rich ever more freely at their absurd Klepto-play.

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